The Red Circle

By Stephy Momper

I have an allergy to bad movies.  Symptoms include nausea, itching, much eye rolling, an increase in swearing and occasional vomiting.  Bad movies are typically composed of stupidity and laziness slapped in the face of a person who has no place to run.  Usually the only treatment to offset the symptoms of a bad movie involves alcohol (provided by those who are subjecting you to the bad).

How did I develop this allergy to bad movies? I think the innate dislike has always been there but I usually had the freedom to change channels or leave when I did not enjoy a film.  While watching movies with friends I don’t want to appear rude, and thus my politeness is greater than my needs and I will force myself to sit through awfulness despite the great rash of mental itching I might feel. After many years of this, it has taken its toll and that itching has progressed to something akin to internal hives.

Movies that lack cleverness, vision or ingenuity bother me. Perhaps these movies exist because certain directors know their audience and continue to profit from their patronage, without feeling the need to push themselves beyond their comfortable boundaries.  Studios can be blamed too for their utter disrespect towards their viewers, in assuming that all people want to see are explosions and romance. Maybe I’m a slave driver, but if I am going to fill someone else’s coffers I want them to work for my money.  I don’t want to feel tricked and cheated.

Bad movies are not well-rounded. They might have memorable characters, but a terrible plot, or the other way around. Wonderful scene design, but horrible timing.  A good solid movie does well in all areas. Its audience will linger on it after its completion, asking themselves specific questions about its plot, characters, and symbols that they experienced within the film.  The only question a bad movie makes me ask is, “WHY??? WHY DID I WASTE MY TIME WATCHING THAT?”

Solid movies need not be complex mind blowing experiences nor great introspectives into the lives of their characters.  They can be simple, which is not the same as stupid.  Compare the wit of the Marx Brothers vs. repetitive slapstick of The Three Stooges.  I can name Duck Soup, A Night at the Opera and Horse Feathers as great examples of American cinema.  Once you’ve seen one Stooge’s sketch you’ve just about seen them all; eye-poke, dodge, a mallet hit. Such dichotomy in film quality persists today in Modern movies, example: Iron Giant was clever and simple; Transformers, overblown and stupid (and no, Megan Fox did not make it better).

Bad movies don’t work with what they have.  They tend to screw themselves over on ridiculous special effects, sacrificing plot; on bad casting where money is misspent on big name actors rather than putting in the time to create a storyline with a convincing set; on hookers and blow, or the other multiple ways things can go wrong in cinema.  It’s like when movie stars attempt to become rock stars and the mess of their music is laughably sad.  But maybe I am more prone to sadness rather than laughter, making these foibles so much more tragic to me.

It doesn’t give me any boost in self-esteem having the knowledge I may be able do better than some of the writers and directors who made a shit film. Rather, it just make me depressed for humanity and further upset by the fact someone is making much, much more money than truly legitimate artists.

One might say that if there were no bad movies, we would never appreciate the good ones.  In the TV series The Middleman, Tyler refers to the movie, The Zombies of Mora Tau, as the perfect zombie movie palate cleanser because it wipes clean the slate of expectation for whatever zombie movie is watched thereafter.  I call bullshit.  You don’t drink a fine wine and then take a sip of piss to make the next thing you drink taste like champagne.  Palate cleansers are neutralizers or refreshers that don’t end up leaving a bad taste in your mouth, and neither should a movie.

A bad movie is mindless entertainment that doesn’t engage your mind or capture your imagination.  It is only memorable in the form of ghastly flashbacks (for me at least) and I can’t fathom why I would want to waste a 1/12^th of my day in a semi-coma state, never mind the other 1/3 of the day already being spent in sleep. If I wanted a soporific I’d turn to old fashioned sleep (because you have to do it anyways unless you want hallucinations… which is potential fun), an unconscious state where my dreams come up with better substance that the shit produced in film for millions of dollars.

“No Love for Gigli”

I will admit to the occasional enjoyment of a bad movie, examples: The Goonies, Red Sonja, Labyrinth, and Legend.  However, these ‘fine pieces of cinema’ are from my childhood.  Nostalgia, what can I say?   Associated with them are times when there were hours aplenty to waste, and the thrill of ridiculous fantasy might have been considered cute even. The large body of education we’ve gained (hopefully) enables us to discern quality from the vast detritus of crap out there.  I don’t recall seeing Sweet Valley High on our teacher’s “must read” list and I don’t think a film like Gigli is on anyone’s “must watch” list either. I’d like to believe that we all grow into mature responsible adults (responsible adults who don’t let other adults watch bad movies).

Flip Sides and read Tom’s take here.

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