[201]0 // 005 Pootie Tang [2002] dir. Louis C.K.

Wow.

I’m not even really sure what I just watched. I mean, it all made sense. There was a plot, and there were characters. They deliver lines, and there’s sort of a theme here. I can totally understand why this is almost universally regarded as one of the worst movies of all time. I don’t agree with that sentiment, though. It’s not a bad movie. It’s an off-its-rocker-balls-insane-ridiculous movie. It’s aimed at  only a certain taste, and those who don’t dig the entirely absurd won’t dig this.

There’s no point in trying to sum up the plot. Its just something that needs to be seen. But let me break down what you’re in for. This is not a blaxploitation spoof. It’s not even a 70′s spoof. It is the story of a man named Pootie Tang who is so cool, he doesn’t even need to speak real words. So, when you hear the words “Sine your pitty on the runny kine,” you know that you’re either gonna get your ass whipped by his magic belt (“You can whip anyone’s ass in the world using just this belt,” says his dad), or you’re in the running for some Pootie loving.

The movie is notable for making Wanda Sykes tolerable, even though she really only just dances the entire time, shooting off half-yelled dialogue. That sounds a little worse than it actually is. Her character is almost more of a narrative tool. She, along with the actual, real narrator, co-tells the story that we’re watching. It’s not a supremely effective way of getting the point across, and it seems like the whole thing was invented just so we could get a not-so-good narrator narrating his own conversation joke later in the film.

And I guess that’s sort of the problem I have with Pootie Tang. There are so many completely wild, unexpected sources of humor that its actually a little sad that some of the jokes are so painfully obvious and unfunny. But, as often as there are groaners (“Pootie was rejuvenated. Rejuvenated! He was juvenated, lost it, and got juvenated again. Rejuvenated!” Ugh.), there are sublime physical jokes and David Cross in blackface.

I’d like to thank Louis CK for that last one. The man’s been a huge force in stand-up for years, despite people’s complete ignorance of him, and his efforts bring a lot of nice comedy cred to this film — almost all completely miscast for effect. David Cross as a black man? Dave Attell as a corporate stooge? I’d also like to thank CK for giving Kristen Bell her first screen role. You’ll have to wait till after the credits though. The man has devised a completely whacked out premise that would confound and anger most normal viewers. I can’t believe it took his wife this long to divorce him.

Honestly, just like the car jumping scene in Transporter 2, this movie has tons of “you’re with it or you’re not” moments. I can’t fault anyone for switching off when one of Chris Rock’s three characters gets killed in a freak gorilla mauling accident. I just don’t want to be friends with that person. This movie holds so much brilliance, that is worth sitting through some of the garbage it throws at you. Chris Rock is a highlight throughout. So is Jennifer Coolidge. It’s also slightly offputting to see two future The Wire actors cheesing it up in a movie like this. Especially when one of them is Reg. E. Cathy. Lance Crouthers has no career after playing Pootie. He doesn’t even have a wikipedia page. Seriously. That’s how deep this man went after whipping 100 men with a pimp belt.

This movie features some of the oddest structuring ever committed to film (You are not watching a movie called Pootie Tang. You are actually watching an 85 minute clip of a movie called Pootie Tang in Sine Your Pitty on the Runny Kine.), some of the smartest bits of stupid dialogue ever written (“Pootie Tang whip your ass so bad, you can write it off on your taxes!”), and the single best send up of the “drawing guns at noon” archetype I think I have ever seen.

There is no way that everyone would sort of love Pootie Tang the way I do. It’s got some shameful writing in it, but it is balanced out by a consumptive love for the insane and the unexplainable. It is a singular film, not tied to anything before it. Plus, it has a cow and a stalk of corn giving life advice. There is nothing else out there like Pootie Tang, and that is a mixed blessing.

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[201]0 004 // Daybreakers [2010] dir. The Speirig Brothers

Dammit. This movie was so close to being GOOD.

Daybreakers introduces us into a world run by vampires. And by run, I mean run. There are vampire governments, with elected officials. There are vampire companies, who cater to vampire needs. There are vampire agencies, that provide underground walkways so vampires can get to work in the daytime. Hell, even Chrysler is catering to the undead set. It’s this part of the movie that is genuinely good. The filmmakers have really, really created world with history. One that makes sense, and is actually interesting. Unfortunately, where all of this falls apart is in the details.

Ethan Hawke plays a hemotologist vampire. The company he works for harvests human blood for distribution to the vampires of America (the world?), and underpopulation and overhunting have caused a massive human blood shortage. Hawke is charged by deliciously evil Sam Neill to create a human blood substitute. You see, the vamps only have about one month of blood supply until it’s all out. And it turns out that a lack of human blood causes a rapid and violent de-evolution in vampires. The turn into mindless batlike creatures that will attack and eat anything, even corpses and other vampires. The vamps in charge have to deal with both the blood shortage and the ever-increasing population of these “underdwellers.”

Needless to say, humans aren’t an endangered species. They are food. Plain and simple. Humans caught out in the open will be harvested. There are some, like Ethan Hawke, who won’t drink human blood out of principle (for him, it was because he was born a human – most other vamps don’t have this ethical concern), and others who are out to help keep some fragments of humanity alive. But, after meeting a man who claims that he has found a way to reverse the vampire “disease” (Willem Dafoe), Ethan Hawke attempts to turn his blood substitute into a cure.

I said something about the details being the breaking point in Daybreakers. It’s half true. There are some brilliant touches put on this world of bloodsuckers. For one, virtually every vampire smokes. Constantly. Even better, not a single one mentions anything about the whole “can’t get cancer, can’t die, so fuck it” situation. It’s a smart addition to a pretty smart concept.

But all of this world building  comes to a retarded head in the third act, where blatantly obvious reveals are treated as if they were truly capable of pulling the rug out from under even the most remedial audience. Combined with a series of ridiculous action pieces (which generally revolve around a whole bunch of vampires killing lots of other things in waves), and the set up of a real world with real issues kind of gets ignored. It’s nice to bring up underdwellers, surround them with a sense of dread, and then use them effectively. Although that last part was apparently not apparent to the filmmakers.

There’s a lot to like here, and one of those things is not Willem Dafoe. His character, named Elvis, seems to be a redneck at heart but Willem Dafoe has no idea how to play that character. He plays him as an oddly spiritual gruff guy, with a really annoying speech-giving habit. His introduction is so mind numbingly stupid in context, that the character never fully recovers. He summons Ethan Hawke to meet about a cure to vampirism, and greets him with a completely ridiculous speech about how vampires are like trees. He does the same thing later in a badly presented third act reveal.

What follows next is a complete and utter ruination of the end of Daybreakers. If you care, please read on. If not, here’s a nice little sum-up: Daybreakers is an uncommonly smart straight up horror film that sort of sullies its well thought out and presented premise with a slightly silly third act, and characters that never quite seem to work. It’s certainly a lot better than a lot of movies in the same genre, but it just doesn’t quite summon the strength to be actually interesting or good.

SPOILERS: THIS WILL RUIN THE END OF DAYBREAKERS.

There is a cure. Actually, two. One is to expose the vampire to the sunlight for just the right amount of time. Apparently, right before it kills them it strips away the virus. It’s a little silly, but I chose to believe in it. The second cure is the blood of the “cured” vampires. Drinking it causes the virus to be fought off by the “cleansed” blood, and those vampires go back to being human. Ethan Hawke is cured the with the first method. The biggest problem in the movie is that the main conceit – there is a blood shortage, and a possible cure – comes to a perfectly tied-up conclusion in the third act. AND THE MOVIE COMPLETELY IGNORES IT.

You see, one of Ethan Hawkes hemotologist vamp friends creates a viable substitute. Evil Sam Neill shows Hawke the vial containing the liquid. And then tells him that this vial is going into mass production the following week. You see where this would go? A newly cured Ethan Hawke with a body full of vampire-cure, could simply fill that vial with his blood and get it shipped off. Thereby curing most, if not all of the vampires in the world – which is what he has been trying to do the entire movie. Instead, he kills Sam Neill by allowing himself to be bitten. This turns Neill human, and Neill is then attacked by a vampire army. Turning them all human. And then they are attacked by more soldiers. Turning them all human. And then everyone gets gunned down (except the main characters, who go on a cross country trip to cure vampires).

Not only would that have totally tied up the story were there to be no sequel, it would have set up a second film where the remaining vampires are holding out against the previously persecuted humans. But, making a logical film within the rules established with the promise of a good second film (currently they’re planning a prequel which is rubbish) was not something on the Speirig Brothers to-do list.

There have been reviewers that have compared the vampires to Americans – people who have been on top for so long, that they don’t see the oncoming fall – and this isn’t an unfair comparison. Plus, the Speirigs have certainly created an interesting vampire mythology and universe. But I sure wish the whole movie would have explored that theme instead of ignoring good plotting in favor of a good ole U.S. of A machinegun bloodbath.

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[201]0 // 003 Moon [2009] dir. Duncan Jones

Wow.

The worst part about Moon is how impossible it is to explain it without spoilers. I’m leaving the comments open for discussion about the movie for those who have seen it. So, if you want to see Moon unspoiled, DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS. Onward.

It is the future. Helium-3 pockets have been discovered on the moon, and a large company is mining these resources to provide cheap energy to 70% of the planet. Sam Rockwell plays Sam Bell, a mining supervisor of sorts who is ending his three-year contract on Moon Base Sarang. He’s been watching over the base and the mining robots for all that time all by himself. His only companion is a robot named GERTY who is pretty much there to run the higher functions of the base while providing Sam with anything he needs to get the job done. Despite this, Sam is a lonely guy. Direct communication with the Earth has been disabled by some solar flares, so all he has is a pseudo letter correspondence with his wife and young child via recorded video. But, it’s only two weeks until his contract ends and its nearing time that he leave the moon to rejoin his planet. But the effects of a thee year tour with nobody else around are starting to take their toll, and Sam starts seeing some weird shit.

And that’s all you get. To say any more would be to deprive you of all the impact of one of the best films of last year. There aren’t any twists, per se. It’s just that to dissect this film thematically would require me to talk about the plot past the setup, and the thrill of seeing that plot unfold is much more interesting than me talking about it.

It’s a wonderful, small movie. Sam Rockwell gives what is almost assuredly the best performance of his career as Sam. We get to see him play the man ready to begin his three year isolation on a foreign body, and play the tenured man who has dealt with that isolation for the past almost 1,000 days. It’s a remarkable performance, and its one that will be outright ignored at awards time because of both the size and performance of the film at the box office (small, and mediocre) and the fact that the role of Sam Bell has no “actorly” moments that remind you “this is a great performance, dear Academy.” What I’m trying to say is that Sam Rockwell doesn’t Sean Penn this performance.

What he does do is capture the spirit of humanity, both thematically and emotionally, while stranded alone on an orbiting rock. There is nuance to spare here, and the movie demands multiple viewings to sort out the subtleties after the story has been experienced once. Just as nuanced is first time director Duncan Jones’ view of the future. Besides an artificially intelligent robot and a fully formed lunar base, there’s not a lot of tech innovation here – just a world that works. Jones and his production design crew fill the Sarang interiors with tons of detail, none of which are flashy, and all of which make sense in context. The movie is beautiful in a hollowed out sort of way, and Clint Mansell proves without question that he is the best small movie composer working. His score is as sparse as the landscape, but exponentially more beautiful.

There is so much to love about Moon. It’s a wonderfully conceived, acted, designed, directed, and scored movie. And, just like the comparable District 9, the effects work is nigh upon seamless for such a tiny budget. I hope Duncan Jones and Neill Blomkamp (and Primer auteur Shane Carruth, for that matter) continue to work in sci-fi for a long time. They’re single-handedly restoring the faith that George Lucas, McG, and James Cameron have so delicately pissed away this decade. Leave it to the Spawn of Ziggy Stardust and a stupefyingly young South African to tell two of the best tales the genre has seen in years.

I would be exceeding my place to declare Moon a masterpiece. I’ve seen the movie one time, less than six hours ago. But it’s a film that I think I will find myself watching more than twice in this calendar year, and maybe at that time I will be able to give it the title that it may end up deserving. Regardless of that fact, Moon is a near perfect film, an assured debut of a hopefully prolific filmmaker, and one of the best films I have seen in the last 365 days.

Science Fiction is nothing more than the use of the fantastic to tell us about the things that are ultimately very personal and human, and Moon is one of the few movies that manages to transport us to another time and place to remind us why being a human is so unique and important. We are lucky to have Duncan Jones and Sam Rockwell. We are better for having movies like Moon.

UPDATE: According to this article at CHUD, Sony Pictures Classics is not even sending screener copies of the film to awards affiliated folks. I can’t say I’m shocked, but their attempt to pass off the dropping of the ball on internet piracy rather than “we just don’t wanna,” is a little dumb. Either way, this virtually guarantees that Sam Rockwell will be getting zero nominations outside of the useless Saturn awards.

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[201]0 // 002 Blood Car [2007] dir. Alex Orr

“Let me set this up for you… You know the phrase ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen?’ Well, people still say that. But they don’t drive cars.”

Those words, spoken by a potato chip chomping narrator, begin our journey into the futuristic world of Blood Car. Somehow these people made a movie about a car that runs on murdered human beings’ blood and didn’t make it into a horror movie. They filled it with ridiculous humor and on-the-nose satire. Given the immeasurably small budget (Reported be be less than $25,000) Alex Orr has made one hell of a flick. It manages to be an amalgamation of several films while being its own thing at the same time.

Archie is a vegan kindergarten teacher who is developing an engine that works on wheat grass. Maybe, in a normal world, this would be some damn hippie bullshit. But in the world presented in the film (a world that is “maybe two weeks from now,” according to the same narrator), gas has risen to $40 a gallon, and there are no more cars on the road. Only the obscenely wealthy drive – the rest of the cars on the planet have been abandoned in automobile graveyards, where horny teenagers still have sex in them. But, back to Archie.

He’s hit a dead end in the engine experiment when in a fit of drunkenness, he cuts his hand on a broken vodka bottle (complete with the hammer and sickle logo – the film, if nothing else, has class) and the engine roars to life with the bloodfuel. Tasked with finding new fuel supplies to maintain the ungodly amount of pussy he gets from being the only guy in town with a car, Archie begins by using his own emaciated frame for the gas. Then he moves on to squirrels, chained up dogs, dead neighbors before getting his hands dirty with actual manslaughter via lawnmower blades he has placed in the trunk.

But, beyond all of this, there is almost no horror involved in this film. Sure, people get hacked apart by axes, little kids get bullets in the brain, and shady government agents get shredded by the ultimate Honda Civic mod. But this is all part of the spot-on absurdist humor of the film. It does right what most fresh-out-of-college filmmakers do wrong. There are homages to other films, the end of the film is essentially the end of The Godfather, and there are kills directly out of Goodfellas and The Shining. But Blood Car is smart enough to use these references inside a framework all its own. They’re nice moments for the people in the audience who will recognize them, not blatant rip-offs for throwback value.

Add in Anna Chlumsky as a all-organic kiosk owner who sells Archie his wheat grass and Katie Howlett as the sexpot who owns the rival stand, simply called MEAT, and you’ve got a decent cast that understands the ridiculousness of the plot without overselling it. The script is tight, and above all, actually funny. This actually may be the funniest movie I have ever seen that includes gags about puppies and five-year-olds getting murdered.

Blood Car will never go down in history as anything other than a deceptively smart piece of absurd, violent filmmaking, but Alex Orr creates a world that is worth revisiting. While the government satire may be a little heavy-handed (and it’s understandable but off-putting that there is no one over thirty in this film), the final speech given by the government agent about the Blood Car in question is an exercise in brilliance. Not only does the logic not work, the phrasing and the delivery of these absurd declarations elevates the material to far above its no-budget DIY roots. I’d also be remiss to neglect the brilliant way the CIA spooks clean up after a clean hit.

I am glad that there are smart, resourceful, and talented people like Alex Orr and his crew that get to make movies that appeal to insane people. There is so much unmitigated garbage floating around in the independent scene, that it is a welcome bit of refreshment to see a film as well put together and executed as Blood Car. Its premise and delivery maximize the retardedness of every moment. And that’s what makes it so smart.

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[201]0 // 001: The Bank Job [2008] dir. Roger Donaldson

The first quarter of any given year brings a heavily mixed bag of film to us. Normally, January, February and March are the could-have-been-a-contender Oscar crowd’s consolation prize and the dumping ground for any assortment of terrible horror and sci-fi flicks that are meant to capitalize on people being sick of schmaltzy best picture flicks all month prior. But, often, that first quarter finds a few films that serve as the film industry’s misfit toys. They tend to be small films with a simple story that can tread the waters between action and drama. They tend to hav workingman directors and an ensemble cast of mostly nobodies. They also, if we’re fortunate, tend to be very well done flicks that simply aren’t heavy enough in scope to appeal to the fanboys of summer.

This is exactly where The Bank Job fits. It’s the kind of movie that people claim we don’t make anymore. It’s a tiny little heist flick set in the year 1970, that finds a small group of friends thrust into a theft that is way over their heads, both technically and politically. You see, they have to break into a bank’s vault to steal incriminating photos of a royal family member taken by a black power luminariy from a safe deposit box. Not that they know this – they just assume they’re there to grab as much cash and valuables as possible.

Roger Donaldson has made a ton of these kinds of movies, and he is indispensable at managing the three disparate arcs (the robbers, the politicians, and the black power camp) and combining them into is a well-paced, well-told simple story. Jason Statham gives what is possibly his best, and undoubtedly his most subdued performance as Terry, a husband and father in a working class home who is talked into the biggest score of his life by a seductive old flame (Saffron Burrows) who is working hand-in-hand with MI-5 to bring down Michael X, the black power magnate.

The other bit of genius in this movie is the casting and the set-slash-costume design. The flick is shot in very subdued tones, and all of the gang of friends look definitely like they walked out of the 70s. The supporting cast is not deep, but they are all performed with detail and precision by their actors. This flick is very much a working class picture. There is little fanfare or flair in the proceedings, but everyone from the focus puller to the Porn King of London are all paying their roles like honest to god human beings.

The Bank Job is a film that will certainly never gain a huge audience. It is a good story told well, but without any adornments or flashy actor and director moments. It is simply a movie about working class men told by working class filmmakers, and the synergy is completely wonderful. Watching Jason Statham play a dad is worth it. Watching a murderous old man with kidney stones get kicked in the guts often is worth it. Seeing Colin Salmon in a beard is worth it.

It’s an obvious Hollywood film, but the focus is entirely on the plot and the characters. And hey, it’s actually watchable and compelling throughout. There is no reason for the average person to go rush out to see this film, but if it’s on the television or you just need a nice little flick to pass the time one night, there’s no harm in checking out The Bank Job. I am happy that men like Roger Donaldson exist, and can make films like this with the support of the studios.

I really hope that this is the kind of film that we never stop making.

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Ryan’s Top Ten Movies
By Ryan Brlecic

Too often we forget the why portion in our obsessions and hobbies. We get jaded or soft in our opinions and neglect what came before. More often than not we need to go back to the well and replenish. Rather than bore you with a typical critic pissing contest of a top ten films list, I will instead regale you with a top ten movies list (note the difference). What follows is the High Fidelity approach to calling out the movies that I unabashedly love to watch and could give a damn if you feel the same. This is not about defending your critical integrity. This is about wearing your heart on your sleeve and loving the movies that love you back. Trust me folks, I could have rattle off a top ten that reads like any fanboys. Chock full of safe bet blockbusters like Star Wars and Jaws. However this is about the films your taking to that desert island, being buried with, or being inspired by.

Enjoy!

1. The Good The Bad The Ugly – Sergio Leone’s best film is Once Upon A Time in America; this is Sergio Leone’s masterpiece.

2. Dawn of the Dead – George Romero’s zenith and hands down best depiction of a world overrun by zombies…at the mall.

3. Blazing Saddles – Racism is ironic. Irony is funny and always will be. This is Satire at its very best. Mel Brook’s masterpiece still stands as the funniest movie this country has ever produced.

4. Goodfellas - As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.

5. North by Northwest – I am not George Kaplan, but I always wanted to be. The model for all adventure thrillers.

6. Carnival of Souls – Herk Harvey made one film. He made the best damn American independent horror film ever. Black and white phantasmagoria at it’s best.

7. Duck Soup – Before you were brought In the Loop, The Marx Brothers wrote the book on government’s utter ridiculousness.

8. Army of Darkness – Yeah, Evil Dead was better, but this is Bruce Campbell’s awesome clip tape. The Internet grew in the early 90′s as a place to house Ash .wav files and porn.

9. Condorman - Cinematic masturbation and pure imagination. Walter Mitty be damned.

10. Die Hard – The first action movie I ever remember seeing, and the last damn action movie anyone ever needs to see.

Included are my B-Sides in keeping with the High Fidelity theme.

B-Sides (in no particular order): Raiders of the Lost Ark, Charade, Night of the Creeps, Big Trouble Little China, House on Haunted Hill (1959), Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, Seconds, The Mechanic, The Great Escape, and Blade Runner

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10. Tommy Boy
Fell In love with this movie when I was a kid. It took place roughly 35 minutes from where I grew up, so naturally I related to it. Hiarious too!

9. Twister
I know, I know! Really? Twister? Hey! Shut it, ok? I really got into this film when I was a kid because I was fascinated by tornadoes. Plus the cinematography is wonderful!

8. Clue
Seriously, Tim Curry’s acting in this movie is beyond brilliant. Not to mention that Michael McKean is pretty bad ass too.

7. Once
Much like my column that I wrote about this movie, I’m fascinated by its brilliant musical score and wonderful emotion. Such a good movie to relax with.

6. Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
A year ago this film wouldn’t have even grazed by thought process, but recently I fell in love with the Stars Wars trilogy, finally accepting its greatness into my life.

5. A League of Their Own
I used to watch this movie regularly when I was a kid. Tom Hanks’ acting is beyond awesome. I love baseball, and Tom Hanks is my favorite actor, so naturally this was a good combo.

4. Robin Hood: Men In Tights
Dude, you can’t go wrong with this film. Cary Elwes is one of the most underrated actors of all time. Plus Mel Brooks is a genius.

3. Almost Famous
I’m a sucker for movies that revolve around a musical storyline. This movie has always spoken to me on a level that I can’t explain.

2. High Fidelity
John Cusack is wonderful. As a Chicago resident (I actually live in the same neighborhood as the music store’s location), I can watch this film over and over and still find joy. Such a beautiful story.

1. That Thing You Do!
As mentioned before, Tom Hanks is my favorite actor. Trying to describe why this movie is my all time favorite in a couple sentences is difficult. Let’s just say that the attention to detail and raw emotion attached to the story is was gets me every time. Such an unbelievable film. The perfect movie for aspiring musicians.

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Like the intro said: These are my favorite movies. I don’t consider them to be the “best” films ever made in a quantitative sense (although some are). They are the movies that shaped me cinematically and personally. They’re the movies I can turn to when nothing else feels right. They’re the movies that made me fall in love with the movies.

So, here they are, in ascending order:

10. Shaun of the Dead

Shaun of the Dead is a curiosity. Part romantic comedy, part honest to god zombie movie, it is the template for post-2000 filmmaking. Aside from a couple unnecessary quick cut collages, there is nothing wrong with this film. As will happen for some of the movies on this list, it was made by an obscenely young man (Edgar Wright, only 29 at the time he directed one of the best films ever made) and features the best script of the decade, co-written by star Simon Pegg.

It is genuinely touching, hilarious, gory, and honest. If this movie were made in the 80’s and I had more time to spend with it, I have no doubt it would rank much higher on this list. That being said, this movie will never, ever, get old, or tiring, or passé’. How many other films convey the heartbreak and triumphs of a relationship by having people get ripped apart by the living dead? Yeah. Just this one. It is the definition of lightning in a bottle, and while it is certainly not the best film to be released this decade, it is far and away my favorite.

9. Die Hard

Despite the generally decreasing quality of the sequels, the original Die Hard is a singularity in action films. It sent the Schwarzeneggers and Stallones packing, and made way for the everyman to win the day while getting the complete shit kicked out of him.

Just as McGoohan will always be Number 6, and Brando will always be Don Corleone, Bruce Willis will ALWAYS be John McClane. A New York cop stranded in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve, forced into dealing with a bunch of party-crashing German terrorists, John McClane lives through gunfire, glass, explosions, punches, hostage situations, and a helicopter with a rail gun ALL WITHOUT WEARING SHOES.

No other action film has ever come close to being this good on so many levels, and director John McTiernan has never been this good ever again (Even with Predator and the 1999 Thomas Crown Affair under his belt). I watched this film for the first time with my dad in a Washington DC hotel room when I was about eight years old. It scared the life out of me, and I was hooked for good. Both then and now, I was convinced that there is only one bad guy in the history of movies, and his name is Hans Gruber.

8. The Iron Giant

It is the best animated film of all time. It is the only movie that almost makes me cry. Brad Bird’s The Iron Giant is a complete masterpiece and a paean to the power of storytelling. Yes, yes, I know I’ve just included a movie toplined by Vin Diesel and Jennifer Aniston on my top ten list. I’m completely at ease with this. Bird’s story, set in the 1950’s involves a gigantic robot from space who gets adopted by a science fiction obsessed nine-year old. The problem – it’s the beginning of the cold war, and once a sleazy government agent gets wind of a giant robot running around, it can only be the Russians, and it can only be bad.

The theme of overcoming your “programming” to be the person you want to be is something that still strikes home to me. But the most powerful part of the movie is the characters, and the story they act out. Agent Mansley is one my favorite villains of all time simply because he is portrayed as a non-villain. It’s obvious he’s the bad guy – he’s out to destroy the main character! – but his arc is defined more by a man living by a completely backwards moral code than someone who seeks to cause destruction.

But the real reason this movie is on the list is one word. The last line of dialogue spoken by the Giant shatters me in every positive way. It is an undying testament that there is true goodness in this world, and only the bravest among us will ever achieve it.

7. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

I was a band nerd in high school. It is a ritual for everyone who is in High School Band to love and watch and quote this movie incessantly. It’s an integral part of my humor and my existence. Monty Python are my comedic heroes, and the funniest five (six?) people to walk the earth. It’s not even that Monty Python and the Holy Grail is their best work, or their most cutting, or their most subversive. It is, however, this specific movie, and its complete lack of any thematic structure that makes it (until the almost equally brilliant Anchorman in 2004) a unique comedy in film history.

The jokes don’t form a framework to build a movie on. They are more than likely improvised for a majority of the scenes, but they grow organically from the characters adventures in the ridiculous reality of the film. It is the epitome of making the absurd the ingenious.

The movie makes you do a double take at the screen as often as it makes you laugh out loud, and it should be lauded for such an accomplishment. I have a very few comedies on DVD; they lose their luster on multiple viewings. Monty Python and the Holy Grail is one of the exceptions. I have watched it more than any other movie ever made, and it is as funny on its fiftieth runthrough as it is on its tenth.

6. The Third Man

The Third Man is my arthouse guilty pleasure. Sure, it happens to be one of the best movies ever made, but director Carol Reed treats this milestone like a first independent feature. Shot in skewed angles and scored entirely by zither (!!!), The Third Man sounds on the surface like a failed college experiment. That is, until you realize it has a brilliant script, fully realized characters, and has an exquisite cinematic palette for being a monochromatic film.

The movie also features the most famous “star” role in history from Orson Welles as Harry Lime. He is the impetus for the plot, the motivation for the characters, and the ending of the film – and the character is on screen for less than twenty minutes. If Welles has never done War of the Worlds, had never made Citizen Kane, had never done Touch of Evil, he would still be renowned and idolized for THIS. His rapid fire delivery, glaringly stepping over his co-star’s lines, is legendary. It’s shocking that this film was shot in 1949 because aside from a few stylistic fashion inconsistencies on the part of Alida Valli’s Anna, this movie feels like it could be made today. If you can ignore the setting of post WWII Vienna, that is. This movie is in the process of being remade, and it is a futile endeavor.

The film is near perfect, and its place as one of the only “positive” noir films (I say this knowing full well that the main character loses his best friend and doesn’t get the girl) gives it a special place in my heart. Plus, if it’s good enough for Jack White, it’s good enough for me.

5. Charade

Splitting genres is a tricky thing. Stanley Donen manages to combine a spy thriller, a romantic comedy, a slapstick comedy, and an action movie into two hours. It also helps that Peter Stone wrote one of my favorite scripts of all time. The banter between Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn is legendary, and the rogues gallery (and there actually is one!) sent to terrorize them is filled with real characters, even though they may on the surface be defined by a characteristic or quirk. Bonus: Walter Matthau.

There is no sense talking about the plot here. If you’ve seen it, you know. If you haven’t, you should. It’s a gripping, hilarious film that hits all the right notes and never ceases to amaze. The central mystery is so well written and twisted, that no audience I’ve seen it with yet has figure out the secret until that pivotal scene where it becomes blatantly obvious.

Charade is a blast, and one that is guilt-free. There may not be a whole lot of subtext involved in this film, but it provides a roller coaster of a ride led by legends. Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn ooze chemistry despite their age differences, and Matthau and James Coburn turn in memorable work as would be protagonist and antagonist.

They simply don’t make movies like this anymore. There’s no irony, no winking at the audience, no pop culture references. It’s an intelligent, deeply constructed thriller/comedy/action/romance/brilliant film that allows us to relax and enjoy while still engaging us on levels far beyond the modern movie’s ability.

4. Heat

There is a divide here. Most would fall on the side of Goodfellas. I can’t. Something about Michael Mann’s Los Angeles crime epic talks to me deeper than Scorcese’s deconstruction of a gangster ever could. Maybe it’s the workaholic nature of Vincent Hannah. Someone whose family falls just a little bit south of repair due to his full time commitment to keeping the bad guys behind bars. Maybe it’s the philosophy of Neil MacCauley and his strict adherence to never allow anything into his life that he cannot drop in 30 seconds if the heat turns up. I’m a lot more like that than I’d freely admit.

Maybe it’s the fact that there is no better supporting cast assembled in the nineties than Danny Trejo, Jon Voight, Tom Sizemore, Val Kilmer, Ashley Judd, Natalie Portman, Ted Levine, William Fichtner, and Dennis Haysbert. Just read those names. Maybe it’s the fact that Michael Mann makes movies like nobody else makes movies, and Heat is without a doubt his crowning achievement. Maybe it’s the fact the movie features last names like Waingroh, Cheritto, Shiherlis, and Breeden.

Maybe it’s that famous coffee scene – the first time in history that Pacino and DeNiro looked each other in the eye on film. Maybe it’s Kevin Gage twisting a hooker’s neck off. Maybe it’s the dead man on the other end of this line. Maybe it’s because she’s got a great ass, and you’ve got your head all the way up it.

Or maybe it’s because this is an ode to crime. An ode to order. And ode to work. An ode to failure. And ode to ethics. An ode to life. An ode to Los Angeles. An ode to humanity. It’s the last epic masterpiece dedicated to dedication, and all of the spoils and shame it can bring.

3. Star Wars

If you ever get a chance, thank George Lucas for making me who I am. His film not only introduced me to cinema outside of cartoons, but also made me into the roaring nerd I am today. The story of Star Wars is nothing spectacular. The characters work, but are mostly archetypes from other, older films. The reason Star Wars is so highly regarded is the world building that Lucas did in his films. It wasn’t that he just populated the cantina scene with as many odd looking creatures as he could find – it was that he GAVE THEM ALL NAMES AND OCCUPATIONS. It wasn’t that he invented the lightsaber, the coolest weapon in history, it was that HE ACTUALLY HAD A RITUAL ON HOW TO MAKE ONE. All of this, I knew. I knew it because it enhanced my understanding of the film. Yeah, these characters never showed up again. We never got to see Luke Skywalker build his green lightsaber. But I knew how he did it, and that made all the difference.

George Lucas involved me in his filmmaking, and I was forever changed by it. While I can’t say the same about the Prequels, they did for kids today what the originals did for me. That’s all that’s necessary. Star Wars deserves a place in history. Hell, it deserves a Nobel Prize for continually inspiring otherwise normal kids into becoming professional nerds.

Despite the fact that it’s been a long while since I’ve revisited the original trilogy’s universe, its effect on my life, loves, and understanding is immeasurable, and this list would be woefully incomplete and incorrect without it.

2. Jaws

Maybe it’s the countless hours of Shark Week I watched on the Discovery Channel, but JAWS has long been the movie that I turn to as old reliable. It’s a movie I could watch any time of any day. It is probably the only movie I would shell out ANY amount of money for on a blu-ray release. Limited edition with an Orca replica for $80? Sold. A mechanical Bruce (the shark, natch) case for $120? Sold. Very few movies speak to me like JAWS does. It’s a monster movie that focuses away from the monster and on the people whose unenviable task it is to deal with it.

Steven Spielberg was TWENTY-EIGHT when he made the best movie of his career. And he did it all by accident. Without a working mechanical shark, Spielberg was forced into Plan B (which was miles better than Plan A). He made a nightmare of suspense – showing the carnage the shark wreaked instead of the shark. And he populated it with three of the best characters in modern cinema with Hooper, Brody, and Quint. Plus, John Williams outdid himself on what is one of my favorite scores. It was a stroke of genius to substitute the “buh bum” music cue for the shark, but the true masterstroke was the integration of Quint’s “Spanish Ladies” shanty into the Orca’s chase music. As a tradition, the first song I ever play in a new car is Rush’s Dreamline. The first song I will play in any boat I buy will be that track from this soundtrack.

JAWS is ostensibly a movie about a killer shark, but it is everyone other than Bruce that makes this movie so brilliant. Think about it. The last half of this movie focuses around three people in one location and it NEVER GETS BORING. That damn shark breaking is the best thing that ever happened to Steven Spielberg, and the best thing to ever happen to adventure movies.

1. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

If you don’t like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, you don’t like cinema. Maybe you enjoy going to watch movies in a theater, or grabbing some friends for a night in with a good flick. But you don’t LIKE movies. You don’t LOVE movies. You ENJOY movies. Sergio Leone’s masterpiece (one of three) IS cinema. It is the essence of what makes movies such a powerful art form, and the culmination of every aspect of filmmaking holding hands and kicking ass. There has never been a better director of movies than Sergio Leone. Some people knew how to get a truly evocative performance out of an actor. Some knew how to weave a brilliant story through the subtleties of editing. Some knew how to capture your heart and mind, but no one – NO ONE – could fill a frame like Leone.

The first footage of the film switches from a landscape vista wideshot into a closeup in ONE SHOT. The fact that Clint Eastwood informed a generation of boys on how to become men is bonus. The character of Tucco Ramirez is bonus. The Ecstasy of Gold – the single greatest piece of music ever recorded for a motion picture – is bonus. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is a documentary of a master painting a masterpiece. It is three hours of distilled CINEMA. If I had three hours left to live, I would fill it with Family, Friends, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

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Those are the ten films that made me the incorrigible bastard (Editor’s Note: This is an understatement, more like henious scornful…) I am today. I’d put my runners up, but that’s just a weak excuse for not having the balls to only pick ten films. Sometimes sacrifices must be made, and it’s the better of us that can make them.

That’s the end. I hope you will share your favorite films with us this Christmas. We’d love to know about the people that pop into our site occasionally. We wish you a fantastically cinematic holiday, and we hope to see you in 2010.

What are your favorite movies of all time? Leave ‘em below!

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1. Die Hard – There isn’t a wasted second in this remarkably intelligent deconstruction of the Western mythos for the twentieth century.

2. The Princess Bride – Rob Reiner’s brilliantly cast fantasy/rom-com is universally appealing, cleverly hilarious and ultimately quite profound.

3. Goodfellas – Tautly directed and well-adapted, Goodfellas is easily the greatest true crime story ever translated to film.

4. Star Wars – Empire Strikes Back might be the better film in the trilogy, but Star Wars’ self-contained story arc lends itself to repeat viewings.

5. Rushmore – Wes Anderson’s Rushmore is the perfect storm of sharp writing, visionary direction, superb acting and handjob jokes.

6. Chung King Express – Wong Kar Wai imbues every frame of this light-hearted romance with the intoxicating influence of love.

7. Pulp Fiction – Quentin Tarantino’s love letter to film, violence and pop culture is hilarious and compelling time and time again.

8. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark - Long before their shameless cashgrab tarnished their legacies, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg collaborated on an amazing adventure story with a great sense of humor.

9. The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan didn’t just make the greatest comic book movie of all time; He reminded the world why Batman has endured for sixty years.

10. Anchorman – Anchorman is an endlessly quotable feel-good comedy that showcases some of this era’s finest comic talent at their peak.

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3 for Christmas
By Ryan Brlecic

Scrooged
Modernizing Dickens, Richard Donner sets out with Bill Murray in tow four years removed from his last outing with ghosts in Ghostbusters. This film manages to pack the message of the original Charles Dickens classic with a blend of modern greed and amazing performances.. This is one of my favorite Dick Donner films overall. It serves as a great representation of the range he commanded as a well rounded director. Murray’s dryly comedic turn as Francis Cross is the perfect pitch to match those he plays off throughout the course of the film.

This film is so packed with surprises, details and character moments it would be hard pressed for you not to find something you like. The re-imagining of the three ghosts are fantastically brought to light by David Johansen (past), Carol Kane (present) and a large ghoul with a static filled TV for a face (future). As a bonus, we get TAB (you remember TAB) and Bobcat Goldthwait? The film shows that you can modernize a classic, but a good story at heart is universal and this is truly a great holiday story…the only kind where Lee Majors saves Santa from terrorists!

Gremlins
Dickens, Dick Donner, Dick Miller. There are lots of dicks around Christmas time. Some we meet in the aisles as we fight trench warfare to please our capitalistic masters. Some we meet on the road as we fight the elements of the season. Some, like Dick Miller’s Murray Futterman, we meet when their neighbor’s kid’s pet multiplies after getting wet and the offspring mature into gremlins wrecking havoc all over the town.

Director Joe Dante serves up an unconventional and fun adventure story romp about a town overrun at Christmas time. It’s a well paced tear through quaint fictional Kingston Falls. Billy Peltzer’s (Zach Gilligan, Waxworks I-II) traveling salesman and failed inventor of a father presents him with a Mogwai to teach him a lesson in responsibility. Not only does the film feature a climactic boy/reptile showdown in the toy department of a mall, it also possesses one of the most depressing backstory reveals for a character ever. This is why we love the 80′s and here represented is a lot to love.

At the time Gremlins joined High Spirits, The Burbs (No Clue? Find and watch immediately!), Lost Boys and Ghostbusters in a trend of successful horror/comedy send-ups. It was followed by an off the wall sequel that is only made mentionable by the presence of both Christopher Lee and John Glover. This holiday, seek out Gremlins. Also remember that if anything you get this Christmas seems to malfunction or fail, check the damn warranty.

Die Hard
“Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”

Do I need to sum up this film? This is the definition of an action movie. A still from the film adorns Webster’s definition of the genre. This is why we have Rumer Willis, Disney’s The Kid, and Bruno Sings. Bruce Willis says f you to Moonlighting with Cybil Shepherd, grabs a fire hose and dives shoeless off the top of an LA skyscraper to proclaim, “Welcome to the party, pal.”

Alan Rickman will forever be endured to me for his portrayal of villainous Hans Gruber (still probably one of the best screen bad guys ever). Robert Davi is excellent as one of a pair of unrelated oily Agent Johnsons (Hey, look! Some more Christmas dicks!). Along for the ride is Reginald VelJohnson of Family Matters fame bringing up the rear as a beat cop.

Roderick Thorp’s novel Nothing Lasts Forever is closely followed as adapted for the screen in John McTiernan’s Die Hard (the best damn movie he ever made). It was a sequel to Thorp’s earlier novel The Detective, which was adapted for the screen and starred Frank Sinatra. Sinatra turned down the offer to headline, the story was altered, and the hero of the novel became younger – an everyman. The darker politically-motivated antagonists of Thorp’s book became thieves pretending to be terrorists. The change from a tale of political terrorism to a heist film was made because the director wanted to bring “joy” to the story, rather than having the villains be overly ponderous. Besides can you imagine old blue eyes delivery of, “Yippie-ki-yay, motherf?”

I can literally watch this movie on a loop (see here) and with the above mentioned films it caps off my Christmas Eve every year. This is one of the best Christmas movies you can watch with the family. Thank You Frank Sinatra. Now cue up Beethoven’s 9th Symphony!

Merry Christmas!

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